I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
