I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
