From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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