I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
