Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
