69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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