Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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