please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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