When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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