ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I showed him my bush... on skype.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
