What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
