I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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