I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
