just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
