Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
