Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
