I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
