Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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