Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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