Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
