ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
