my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I am one with the molecules
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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