i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
