Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
