I can text with my tongue
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
