i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
