i don't like sucking hair
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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