God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
