Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
