did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
