i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
