i permit you to call me
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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