oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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