Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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