nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
