true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
