when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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