so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
