just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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