i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
