I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
