we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
