When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
