I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
