Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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