I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
