I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
