Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
