The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I think I just sharted jello shots
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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