Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
