if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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