Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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